Dear Dr. Andrea,
I know what an orgasm feels like. I know the difference between stimulating the clitoris or the G-Spot. I've had sexual relationships in which not having an orgasm was the challenge!

But, I've noticed that the more committed I am in the relationship, the harder it is to have an orgasm. Right now I'm married and I'm madly in love with my husband. He is the only person who understands me completely.

The chemistry with him is the best I have ever had with any man, but I still can't reach an orgasm with him easily.

We've talked about it, and he is more than willing to change whatever I ask for and help me. We've tried different positions and everything I can think of, but still it is not easy for me. It takes a lot of time and usually I don't have one.

I try to explain to my husband that I enjoy having sex with him anyway, but I know that it makes him feel insecure and it makes me feel really guilty, as if I was holding back on purpose.

I don't want to hurt his feelings. I wish I could fix this problem. I guess it has to do with some kind of fear of vulnerability in the relationship, and I don't know how to deal with it.

Anyway, my question is: What can I do to have orgasms? I appreciate your time. Thank you.
-- Puzzled
 

Dear Puzzled,
No, the question is: What are you willing to do in order to deal with your fear of vulnerability?

You have had a Major Insight in realizing this fear. Don't drop it. Follow through with it. The answer to your orgasm difficulties is obviously not in sexual techniques, but in the realm of emotional security.

Your husband, who feels hurt by your lack of orgasms, will no doubt feel relieved to hear me say, "It's not personal." In fact, I doubt it has anything to do with him directly.

I suspect this issue of trust and security goes back to something significant in your childhood, during which time you made the decision not to risk loss. So, you held back this part of yourself so you wouldn't feel vulnerable to rejection or abandonment.

Who in your childhood taught you the pain of rejection or abandonment? Who taught you not to trust life? Who made you feel so vulnerable that you decided never to let your guard down again? The answers are clues to the puzzle.

The key to having reliable, predictable orgasms is for you to feel emotionally secure. You need to trust that "letting go" during sex with your husband will bring you a joyful connection. Don't focus on the goal of orgasm. Focus instead on the delights of the present moment, whatever they are.

Release the expectation of having an orgasm. Allow yourself to go with the flow, wherever it takes you. Enjoy the pleasing for its own sake. Be open to all possibilities, especially the loving security you feel in this relationship.

I recommend that you find a good therapist to work with you on these issues so you have another perspective besides your own. The vulnerability issue is right on target for you. When you get insight and clarity, you will be free to consider changing your behaviors and healing this old issue. Good luck.