Actual names in this letter have been changed to protect individuals' identities.

Dear Dr. Andrea,
I have lived with Hal for 3 1/2 years. He has been divorced for 11 years from Alice who refused to be any part of his life after the divorce. Hal told me from the very beginning that if Alice ever had a problem or was in a bind, he would do whatever he could to help her out, but I never thought she would be a part of his life again.

Unfortunately, Alice resurfaced six months ago at a family funeral. Since then, I have suspected they are having an affair. They meet for coffee, supposedly to talk about their grown kids. Alice calls him a lot to help with her tasks. They have split lottery tickets together, and he helped her go car shopping. I was infuriated when I found out he co-signed a loan for her!

I have been very suspicious when he comes home late and I find that he has been at her house. We have even been getting anonymous mail praising Alice and denigrating me. These letters suggest that I am in the way for Hal and Alice to "have a chance together." Hal thinks I am writing these letters to discredit Alice.

Alice told me that if I couldn't accept their friendship, I have a problem. She said if there's a wedge between Hal and me, I've put it there because of my insecurities about their friendship. Hal and Alice call me paranoid.

Hal says that Alice is going to say whatever I want to hear. He gets angry at me for believing her, but yet he doesn't think she would lie to him. He has said that he's asked her if she called here. When she denies it, he takes her side. I asked him what he would say if Alice admitted calling. His response is "I wouldn't bother with her again, and she knows it." My response to this remark is: Then why would she admit to calling?!

I cannot comprehend why he doesn't see my point.

Hal has become moody. He doesn't kiss, or cuddle me like before. The only time we make love is when I start it. And then many times he will have the excuse that he's too tired or has a headache. There have even been a couple of times that we were in the middle of making love and he lost his erection, and he claims he doesn't know why. There was even one occasion that he faked having an orgasm.

I feel so confused. I love this man with all my heart. I am terrified that they are having an affair. He tells me I am my own worst enemy. My imagination does run wild.

My ex-husband had affairs on me and I'm wondering if I've carried some past emotions over into this relationship. Because of my constant accusations, he no longer trusts me enough to open up to me. How can I build his trust back in me?

-- Suspicious

Dear Suspicious,
I am sure you have already considered the possibility that Hal's behavior changes might be due to his guilt over having an affair. But have you also considered that his changed behavior might reflect his negative reaction to your lack of trust in him?

It is very difficult to relax and become sexually aroused when your partner interrogates you and harps on you in a critical manner, no matter what the topic. Your lack of trust in him tends to erode his level of trust in you.

It's not safe to cuddle with you anymore. It's not fun, and it's certainly not comforting. He is right when he says you are your own worst enemy because you are going to drive him right out of your arms and into the waiting arms of -- guess who?

Alice's behavior is abominable. You are right to be suspicious. She is calculating, manipulative, and shrewd. If you are not writing those letters, then she is the most likely suspect. BUT YOU HAVE NO CONTROL OVER HER BEHAVIOR. You must accept that, and stop making yourself SICK over things that are not within your control.

Recite the Serenity Prayer (below) and learn to meditate. Get into counseling. Most importantly, trust that Hal will figure out her slimy ways if he has half a brain. At some point, Alice will be discovered.

As for Hal, he sounds like a very giving man who wants to believe the best about everybody. You could do worse. However, he has blinders on about Alice, that's for sure. The reason he does not see your points is that he thinks you are overreacting with jealousy. He detests such negativity. He is embarrassed by your behavior. Unfortunately, this causes him to show Alice more respect.

You need to earn his respect back. Forget about making him see your points or admitting he is wrong. Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy? Tell him you have decided to mend your ways and let go of criticism. Tell him how much you value your marriage. Tell him you trust that he will make the right decisions that honor your vows. Ask him to help you with your new positive goals by giving you his support and encouragement.

The next time Alice does one of her tricks, don't scream, "Can't you see what she's doing?!!" Instead, calmly tell him you are feeling insecure and that you need some extra TLC and special attention. Your giving man will be happy to help you. It's what he does best. Be a woman who NEEDS his giving and you'll get it!

The Serenity Prayer
GOD, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; Courage to change the things I can; and the Wisdom to know the difference. Living one day at a time; Enjoying one moment at a time; Accepting hardship as the pathway to peace. Taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it. Trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His Will; That I may be reasonably happy in this life, and supremely happy with Him forever in the next.

By Reinhold Neibuhr