Dear Dr. Andrea,

My wife and I have been married for over 35 years, and sex has always been a problem. I want it, and she seems to have no interest in it.

We have not had sexual intercourse in over eight years. To be honest, I occasionally seek out a prostitute to obtain some relief.

I am now 56 years old and am very seriously considering divorce. The only thing that holds me back is that I have three grown children and I do not wish to deal with breaking up my family.

We have tried going to a marriage counselor, but it always seems to degenerate down to a question of money. I am sure that my situation is not a normal one. I deserve to have a woman who will love me, not only as a person, but also as a sexual partner. What do you think?
-- Ready for Change

Dear Ready for Change,
You have waited a long time to consider divorce as an option. You have been married over 35 years, with no sex between you and your wife for eight years. I suspect there are many important qualities that hold you to your wife besides your concerns about your children.

You have not written about them, but I suspect that you have shared a lot of history in 35 years: times of joy and times of pain, times of appreciation and times of regret. You must have been close friends during some of the marriage, maybe you are even now.

Is it possible that these things keep you from letting go of your marriage? Would you miss your wife if you left? Would you feel a deep sense of LOSS?

Most people worry about "the children" when they are young, not when they are grown and have families of their own. Grown children are more inclined to understand their parents' adult marital needs. Very often they can find compassion for a parent's decision to divorce, despite their sadness about changes to family structures and dynamics.

You may be worried about their JUDGMENT of you. Perhaps they have been critical of you as a husband and father before this. Or perhaps you feel ashamed for being "selfish" about your needs. Another consideration is that you may be hiding behind your grown children so you have an EXCUSE NOT to divorce your wife.

These are complex issues. Clearly, you have some resistance, some serious misgivings about divorce, or you would have left a long time ago. To answer your question, you DO DESERVE to be loved by a partner who can express that love for you as a person, as well as sexually. We all do.

However, you also deserve some deep exploration of your complex issues with a professional psychotherapist. Find yourself a good individual therapist and get some clarity about your resistance and your underlying issues. Good Luck!