Dear Dr. Andrea,
I found some notes from another woman to my husband. When I confronted him, I was not satisfied with his explanation.

He told me that he visited her once to bring her flowers when she was ill. When I pushed for details, he got angry, like he was protecting her instead of me. He told me that I had better leave if I start again about this subject.

After these discussions, I end up feeling guilty, then I promise him more sexual enthusiasm, which I find difficult because I am troubled by suspicion.

I don't know what is right or wrong anymore. Is he lying? Is it important that he is lying? Is he afraid to tell the truth? What is the truth?

-- Suspicious

Dear Suspicious,
Who is this woman to your husband? Is she a co-worker? Do they spend social or recreational time together? Is she a neighbor? Bringing flowers to her when ill suggests a closeness between them, and his saving notes from her suggests that she is important to him. Concealing these things from you indicates that he puts his needs first.

Marriages that are built on trust, share their friends with their mates. Clearly this has been hidden from you, and you are right to wonder, "For what reason has it been hidden?"

You already know that such secrets are suggestive of a romantic dalliance or perhaps a budding emotional relationship.

You ask if he is lying. Did he not lie when he hid this relationship from you? Did he not lie when he concealed the notes that he received from her? Did he not conceal his one-time visit with her from you, plus the fact that he bought her flowers? You tell me: Would he lie again to wriggle out of getting caught?

Is it important that he is lying? You tell me. Is the truth important to you? What kind of marriage do you want to have?

You ask if he is afraid to tell the truth. I don't know. I don't know if he has guilt or remorse for hurting you. What is clear is that lying was convenient for him, as well as advantageous.

No doubt he has other past experiences with you where he gets what he wants by manipulating and lying. This time you felt guilty, probably because you erroneously thought, "It must be my fault that he went to another woman." So you promised him better sex to secure that he would not need to look elsewhere.

However, that made you feel compromised. You offered rewards to him for hurting you instead of making him be accountable for his actions.

I recommend you work on re-building your self-esteem so you don't do the same thing he does: put a higher value on his needs instead of your own needs. In matters of the heart, learn to Trust Your Inner Wisdom. Some books to help you in your growth are Sarah von Breathnach's "Something More: Excavating Your Authentic Self" and Iyanla Vanzant's "In the Meantime."