Dear Dr. Andrea,
I'm married to a wonderful man and I love him very much. After 13 years of marriage, I can't imagine my life without him.

But, there is a problem. Other than little small kisses and hugs we are not physical at all.

We did not have sex before marriage. We necked and all the other "pre" stuff, just did not have intercourse. Since then, we have had very little intimate or really close physical times.

I've tried every way I can think of to talk with my husband about his feelings and what we can do to get closer again. He simply is not forthcoming with his feelings. In most other areas, we are very happy.

On the other hand, I learned that if you love someone, you can't try hard enough to make it work or make it better. I'm not saying that our not having sex is ruining my marriage or that I can't live this way. It is just terribly difficult to have natural desires for the man I love and not be able to act on them or have them returned.

Once, when I tried to talk with him about our relationship and lack of physical contact, he replied that it was due to some medication. I took him at his word, later to find that it was not true. Something is very wrong here. I don't want our lives to continue this way.

CAN YOU HELP OR ADVISE ME? Nothing else compares to the feeling of being close and sharing completely with the one you love. Thank you!
-- Want to Share my Love

Dear Want to Share my Love,
Your desire to share your loving feelings in a physical way with your husband is normal and reasonable for a marital relationship. You are grieving the considerable loss of your hopes and dreams for intimacy.

Your limited sexual experience with each other before marriage provided you with the data you needed to know about the dynamics of your relationship. However, you chose to interpret the data incorrectly.

You probably thought that he was honoring your values, so you interpreted his behavior as showing he was a "true gentleman." In actuality, the interpretation that seems appropriate now is that either (1) he has a much lower sex drive than you do, or (2) he is impotent.

You do not actually say in your letter whether there has ever been any intercourse during your 13 years of marriage, so it is difficult for me to even hazard a guess about whether the possible impotence might be physiological or psychological in nature.

It seems important to your husband that he mask the true nature of his problem by making excuses about medication side effects. He may be embarrassed or ashamed, or he may be masking his indifference.

I think you would do well to seek marital therapy with a psychologist who is also skilled in sex therapy. If it is appropriate (i.e., if a physiological component is suspected), your therapist can refer your husband to a qualified urologist. Good Luck.