Dear Dr. Andrea,
I feel that my husband is in some kind of mid-life crisis. He is 38 and I'm 36. We have one child. He's getting out of the military soon, and he is confused about not having a steady job to go to after 20 years.

He tells me he is no longer in love with me, as I still am with him. He told me he "just wants a separation," and yet he tells others that there is definitely going to be a divorce. I am trying everything possible to keep it together because I find it somewhat hard to just throw 15 years away.
I have told him we can work this out together, only that it has to be both of us working on it and not just one of us. This is really killing me, not only for myself but for my child, who wants us to stay together.

There is no physical contact between us like hugging, kissing, love making, in fact not very much talking either. We sleep in separate rooms. When I fix dinner, he tells me, "I could do that. You make me feel like a child who can't fix his own plate." These things never bothered him before when I did them.

How should I handle this and what should I do? Should I just let him go or should I try and stick it out?
-- Help Me Soon

Dear Help Me Soon,
You seem to be a good martyr. You have suffered intense humiliation by your husband. Yet, you say you you're thinking of "sticking it out."

For what purpose would you continue this abusive relationship? Is it for money? Is it for appearances?

You have made it clear that there is no sex or affection. It sounds like you perform the chores and get no appreciation. What are you getting out of the relationship that is GOOD FOR YOU???

If you cannot find something positive about it, you have your own answer.

Yes, it will be hard to start over. Yes, it will feel awkward to take on unfamiliar roles. It will be scary. It will be embarrassing, yes, all of that and more tough stuff.

However, it will also be a relief. You will relish the new freedom, the independence, the opportunity to find out who you are as a unique person separate from a man.
I don't recommend that you do it all alone. Find a therapist. Build some strengths before you sever your ties. You need some support to deal with these changes, and you need to rebuild a "New You" who won't let another man abuse her ever again.