Dear Dr. Andrea,
Does "absence make the heart grow fonder" or is it more accurate to say "out of sight, out of mind"?

I seem to have a knack for getting into long distance relationships. The last one I was in lasted 18 months, and she was two hours away. That went sour five months ago, after she had moved back here for about six months.

Now I've met this girl in a town about three and a half hours away and BAM! It just clicks.

Is this healthy? Fair? Help.

-- Long Distance Man

Dear Long Distance Man,
Which of the sayings is true? Both are! But in different ways. "Absence makes the heart grow fonder" seems to apply (over the short run, anyway) when you are in a relationship that is truly important to you.

You will miss your partner when you are forced to separate. You will think about her quite a bit, replaying memories of your past times together. You will feel enriched when you spend time together, and you will value your partner even more when you are apart.

When you experience the "out of sight, out of mind" phenomenon, your psyche is trying to tell you that the relationship is not really important to you.

Why do you think you have a knack for long distance relationships? Could it be that you fear commitment, so you set up an easy escape hatch?

You point out that the last relationship went sour after she moved here to be near you. Perhaps having a relationship with a woman in the same city makes you feel crowded.

In a long distance relationship, you have the illusion of togetherness -- security, comfort, companionship -- without the hassles of everyday responsibility and strain. If something goes bad, you can jettison the relationship without messing up your daily life and routine. You may feel safer with a partner far away.

Is this fair? I don't know. To whom? Fair to her, or fair to you?

Is it healthy? This is a good experience to have in order to learn something about your psyche and what drives you. When you learn ways of making yourself feel safe and secure, you may not need to lean on long distance relationships so much in the future.

You may then be willing to risk real intimacy. If you find you still have the same pattern in another three to five years, it will be time to find a therapist to help you sort it out.