Dear Dr. Andrea,
My husband of 5 1/2 years loves me very much, but over the last two to three years he has been unable to maintain an erection with me and is obsessed with gay male porn videos and drinking establishments.

He says it's not me. He says that he's tired, or this or that hurts -- like his back, his legs -- or the timing is not right, bad day, etc. He takes viagra now and again, but he does not use it with me.

To make matters worse, my husband also does not like foreplay. It's too much work for him. He says that foreplay is a waste of time. He only wants instant gratification. He refers to it as "20 to 30 minutes of begging." What's your advice?

He is 46 years old, a functioning alcoholic, and is able to carry out most everything else. I'm confused and rebuffed. Early in the relationship I confessed to faking an orgasm so that I would not have to lie and we could learn together. He seems to have never forgiven this. What should I do?

-- Paradise Found

Dear Paradise Found,
I'm baffled why you gve yourself the name PARADISE FOUND. Don't you mean PARADISE LOST? Your husband is an alcoholic, obsessed with gay pornography. He has not paid sexual attention to you for three years, and on those rare occasions when he did not make excuses, he was unable to maintain an erection for consummation of your marital relations. If he is not using the viagra with you, who is he using it with?

I'm not trying to rub it in, but I don't see any traces of Paradise here. You ask my advice on two issues. The first is about foreplay.

I've never heard anyone describe it before as "begging!" Your husband certainly has a unique perspective. Most heterosexual men find sex-play to be pleasurable and mutually rewarding. My interpretation of his complaint about the "work" foreplay requires is that it's a smokescreen for his preferred interests which are gay men, porn and drinking.

His griping makes it harder for you to request foreplay for your needs. In this way, he has brainwashed you not to make demands of him, and he convinces you that his logic is legitimate.

Your second question is about your confession that you faked an orgasm. You say your husband has never forgiven you for faking it. I JUST DON"T BUY IT! Again, I think that's a smokescreen your husband uses to keep you distant from him sexually. Then he gets to blame it on you that he "just can't get past it." Bullfeathers!

For some reason your husband wants to keep the marriage, maybe to protect and maintain his macho public image. But clearly he is unwilling or unable to gratify you sexually and engage in intimate relations with you.

I suggest you get some therapy to evaluate your expectations for this relationship. Ask yourself what you really need and ask yourself how this marriage is meeting those needs.

Good Luck.