Dear Dr. Andrea,
Please help me understand all this. I have been in a very serious relationship for two years to an absolutely wonderful, trustworthy, hardworking, loving man. He wants us to get married.

I love him so much, but I have been married before to a man who was very controlling and somewhat abusive. I am not the stereotypical submissive woman who falls for that type of man, but I did.

I was married to my ex-husband eight years ago. It lasted four years. Now I am in this position to marry someone I love with my whole soul, but I can't get myself to let go of my fears and anxiety concerning another marriage.

What can I do to help myself through this dilemma? I need some help here, and I sure hope you can.
-- Confused

Dear Confused,
You were most likely hopeful and full of optimism when you married your ex-husband. You had dreams of "happiness forever after" dancing in your head. The abuse you suffered from his controlling ways was probably devastating. To say the least, it probably dampened your enthusiasm and eroded your self-confidence.

Worse than that was the negative judgment you made about yourself for choosing him as a partner. Let go of that now. Forgive yourself for not being "all knowing." You did the best you could with what you knew then.

It is important that you replace your negative "Self-Talk" with positive affirmations that will help you to create a new reality. By repeating these positive statements in your head or out loud, you can work toward creating a situation where you are not hampered by your fears, but learning from them.

Look at the following affirmations from some perspective of detachment and ask yourself, "What are they trying to teach me about what I need?" And then say them to yourself whenever you feel fear slipping back in.

• "I did my best."
• "I forgive everyone, including myself, for the past."
• "Every day I am learning how to love better and better."
• "I trust my abilities to give and receive love."
• "I deserve to have love and happiness."
• "Although I feel my fears, I choose to move forward anyway."

It is a mistake to push your fears away and try to block them out. You already know that when you do that, they resurface with a vengeance! They want to be heard. They are part of your personal defense system and are warning you about your needs for self-protection. Thank them for alerting you and listen to the messages. You may have to de-code the transmission to determine the specific instructions.

For example, when you feel fear, you tell yourself you don't trust remarriage. Go beyond that impression and ask, "What am I supposed to learn about my lack of trust?" Sit quietly and listen. See what comes up. Do you get another impression? Do words form in your mind? Do you see an image? No matter what comes up, ask again, "What am I supposed to learn from this?" By doing so, you might refine the answer to one that is more clear and specific.

You might learn that you don't trust your judgment, or that you have compromised something important about yourself that needs to be reclaimed, or that you have been betrayed and need to correct it, or that your fiance is going to help you heal your fear and anxiety. It could be any number of things.

Trust the fact that your fear is there for a reason and allow it room to live with you. Make it your friend and proceed with your life. IT HAS NO POWER OVER YOU. Once you take charge by acknowledging it and listening to it, you will empower yourself.

I have two book suggestions for you: Louise Hay's You Can Heal Your Life and Susan Jeffer's Feel The Fear and Do It Anyway.

Good luck.