Dear Dr. Andrea,
My husband of 23 years has gradually become impotent over the past five years. This has caused extreme frustration on my part, as I want to continue an intimate sex life.

I enjoy oral stimulation greatly, but he is hesitant to participate in this type of sex unless it can be "followed up with what's natural." Since that is practically impossible, I am not having my sexual needs met.

Recently I have become much closer to a man who has the same "tastes" as mine. We are best friends, orally fixated and share many common interests. We have known each other for three years and are both married, but sexually frustrated in our relationships.

Is it asking too much for us to satisfy each other sexually if neither of us can receive it from our current partners?

I know what you'll probably say even before you respond, but I have to ask anyway.
-- Starving

Dear Starving,
Your question is a classic: "If my partner cannot have sex for some reason, is it wrong to seek sex elsewhere?" The answer, of course, depends on whom you ask.

Our religious leaders would likely answer emphatically that it is wrong to go outside the bonds of matrimony for sex.

Futhermore, society's legal code says it is wrong, and illegal, to commit adultery.

If you were asked this question the day you got married 23 years ago, you probably would have said it is wrong.

Now, 23 years after your wedding vows, your circumstances have changed. To uncover an answer to your question, ask yourself these revealing questions:
• Have your values changed, or would you say that your perception of events has changed your thinking?
• How would the people you respect answer this question?
• If you asked your mother, how would she advise you?
• More importantly, if you asked your husband, how would he answer?

It comes down to the fact that you have to live with yourself. You can weigh other peoples' beliefs and consider them, but the choice is ultimately yours.

If I said it's okay to do, my approval would not give you benediction. If I said it's not okay to do, my disapproval would not condemn you. How you feel about your choices and your behaviors is your best guide. Can you live in peace with the decisions you have made? Do they feel right to you?

Now let me raise two other important issues. Has your husband had a medical evaluation for his erectile dysfunction? Some physiological impotence problems can be corrected. He should consult with a reputable urologist to learn about his options.

If his impotence is psychological, have you considered asking your husband to go with you for sex therapy? Emotional blocks to sexual functioning can be resolved through skillful sex therapy. Impotence does NOT have to mean the end of sexual relations.

Even if his erections cannot be restored, perhaps his thinking about "what is natural" can be expanded so that he includes you in sexual intimacies again.

Good luck!