Dear Dr. Andrea,
I am living with a man who wants to marry me ... sometimes. He asked once. I said, "Yes!" Then he changed his mind. He says he wants to be married "slowly" to me.

When I ask him if he loves me and wants me in his life, he tells me "Do what you want" or "How do you feel?" I tell him if I wanted to know how I feel, the I wouldn't ask him how he feels. I'd just think to myself.

He is from a bad divorce. However, I am being punished for this. His ex told me the problem with them was communication. They had none. He is otherwise a very kind man.

He insists we don't have a good sexual relationship. He's absolutely right about that! I have to practically beg him for sex. I think unless I initiate conversation, we would not talk or touch.

Can this just be how he is, or is it something else? I have been single for 11 years. I met him through a date line. He has never told me that I am pretty or desirable. These things aren't important in a relationship, until you don't hear them. When I ask, he tells me it is not important or, as usual, he asks me how I feel. Please help me.
--Sleepless
 

Dear Sleepless,
There are four BIG PROBLEMS with this relationship:
• He proposed, then changed his mind.
• He does not tell you he loves you.
• He does not give you compliments.
• He does not initiate or respond to sexual advances.

If this is the case now, before you are married, what do you think it will be like after a few years of marriage? And just exactly WHY is it that you WANT to marry this guy anyway?

He is already making excuses for his behavior and twisting things around so that you feel guilty for nothing. That's why you feel punished for having your needs and trying to talk with him about them.

Too bad that he had a "bad divorce." So did 50% of the population. Divorce is painful, even if it's not mean and vengeful. That is no excuse to treat others poorly.

The real question is NOT about him. It's about YOU! Can you see that your self-worth is negligible if you are willing to be treated this way?

Another way to look at it is to consider what you would say if your daughter was in this situation. Would this be the kind of relationship you would want for her? Don't you feel she deserves better than THIS? SO DO YOU!

This man has some serious intimacy problems. He is NOT "otherwise a very kind man." If he was kind, he would answer your questions and not twist things around as though you are the one with the problem. He is highly manipulative and selfish. Is this how he is? YES! Your experience is your best source of information.

Get out while the getting is good and consider that he did you a BIG FAVOR. Get into counseling and improve your self-esteem. Then start looking for a man who is WORTHY OF YOU.

Good Luck.