Dear Dr. Andrea,
How can I get over the end of my two-year relationship? I'm still in love with her and I don't know how to get over this. Please advise. Thanks.
-- Heartbroken

Dear Heartbroken,
You have obviously discovered that ending the relationship does not mean ending your feelings. This is true whether you initiated the breakup or your partner did.

Be aware that you are experiencing many losses simultaneously: the end of the relationship, the loss of your partner, and the loss of parts of yourself.

The loss of self is often overlooked. When grieving the end of a relationship, it is helpful to also consider these losses:
• How you were in the relationship
• Your feelings about your partner
• Your hopes and dreams
• Your expectations for the future
All of these losses need to be acknowledged and grieved.

This is the key, not to "getting over it," but to "working through it." There is no way to skip the pain with a quick fix, but as you process your feelings about the experience, you can heal it. And yes, this takes some time.

Although your goal is to make peace within yourself about the end of the relationship, sometimes people need to get angry before they can detach from their loved one.

For example, if you are tempted to reunite with your partner and you need help resisting the urge, force yourself to think about some of the ugly, hurtful things your partner did.

Ask yourself if the relationship was healthy for you. If you initiated the break-up, it might help to remind yourself of the reasons you ended it. If your partner ended it, you might want to remind yourself of the pain it caused you.

Most people bounce back and forth between warm, fuzzy feelings and angry, ice cold feelings toward their partner when they end a relationship. You can't just turn your feelings off. We humans need time to find a peaceful resolution that makes sense of our emotional intensity from love to detachment.

If you still continue to struggle with your feelings after trying some of these tips, it might be wise to seek some counseling from a trained therapist. Good Luck.